“I’ve been stabbed in the back by those I needed the most. I’ve been lied to by those I loved. And I have felt alone when I couldn’t afford to be. But at the end of the day, I had to learn to be my own best friend, because there’s going to be days when no one is going to be there for me but myself.”

– Anon

The words of this post I think would resonate with many people in this day and age. I think more so after COVID-19, when the world was plunged into the dark chasm of disconnectedness that seemed to persist unabated.

It got me thinking about outward human connections that we choose to make and their dynamics. Furthermore, the importance of recognising that when it’s all been said and done, we only control one side of that interaction dynamic, ourselves!

It is said by most experts, loneliness is a major hindrance to human happiness. We need intimate bonds and a sense of belonging and to be able to confide in others, to feel confident (Rubin, 2017).

Yet, it seems we forget that the first person we need to build a friendship with is ourselves. An intimate bond with oneself is paramount to be confident and effectively interact with others.

Let me break it down..

In the quest to keep loneliness at bay, people’s first instinct is to run and fill the internal void that exists, with the company of others. This leads, in my opinion, to people experiencing a ‘Rebound Effect’ (Hartney, 2023)

The Rebound Effect is what drug addicts feel when partaking drugs that have an intense and immediate effect, only to face the rebound and ironically experience the feelings they wanted to escape by taking drugs.

This is evidenced by the fact many highly social people report that as their addiction to the company of others increases, the more lonely and miserable they start to feel. The once intense high from the company of others is soon replaced with loathing and sadness.

My observation of such individuals is a lack of a foundational friendship. The most fundamental friendship one needs, is with themselves. The reality is without knowing yourself, being comfortable with yourself, a person is solely reliant on external stimuli for validation. This is a dangerous proposition, as I mentioned earlier, we only control one side of the interaction dynamic.

I do not call for cynicism or despair, human connections are integral to our lives and must be fostered. However, the danger lies in not learning to build a healthy caution and instinct for self-preservation. On the other hand, one must not become self-centred and self seeking. It is a most delicate act and ultimately part of the human condition to maintain kindness to oneself and others.

Speaking to my best friend on this topic, I have explored the dynamics of relationships often. At the core, any external relationship is predicated on the exchange of a commodity. I use the word ‘commodity’ deliberately, but it is not to be taken in a negative connotation.

A mother loves her child, there is no doubt on this, but examining the relationship we see the mother receives gratification, love and a host of wonderful intangible and tangible rewards from her child. Similarly, the child receives nurturing, security and other life essentials in this relationship.

Friendship is also predicated, for instance, on the exchange of fellowship and support. In an ideal world, both parties receive equal gratification from this exchange and the world keeps turning. However, when the exchange is not equal… when one friend is taken for granted, or another doesn’t keep their word or yet another betrays you.. pain ensues.

Friendship with oneself is an internal relationship and thereby not dependant on an exchange of the ‘commodities’ of a relationship.

As my friend always says we have to learn to be kind to ourselves. I go further and say be kind to yourself first.. and soon you will be able to dish out that kindness in the proper measure to others.

References:

Hartney, E., The Comedown, Crash, or Rebound Effect You Get After Taking Drugs. (2023.). Verywell Mind. https://www.verywellmind.com/comedown-crash-rebound-effect-after-drugs-4171269

Rubin, G. (2017, February 17). 7 Types of Loneliness, and Why It Matters. Psychology Today. https://www.psychologytoday.com/za/blog/the-happiness-project/201702/7-types-loneliness-and-why-it-matters